How to Keep the Spark Alive in a Relationship: 11 Things That Work
Couples keep the spark alive in a relationship with small, frequent moments of attention and a steady supply of new experiences together, not with rare grand gestures. Gottman Institute research found that newlyweds who were still married six years later had turned toward each other’s bids for attention 86% of the time, compared with 33% for couples who divorced. Below are 11 habits that put both findings to work, each with something to try tonight.
Why does the spark fade in a long-term relationship?
The spark fades mostly because novelty fades, not because love does. Early on, everything about your partner is new: their stories, their humor, the way they look at you across a room. Your brain treats all of it as exciting. A few years in, you know the stories, you share a calendar, and most of your conversations are about who’s picking up groceries.
Researchers have a name for part of this. In a set of studies on long-term couples, psychologist Arthur Aron and his colleagues linked lower relationship satisfaction to boredom, and described a “typical early decline of relationship quality after the honeymoon period” (Aron et al., 2000). The good news from the same paper: the decline isn’t fixed. Couples who did something new and a little exciting together, even for seven minutes in a lab, reported feeling better about their relationship afterward.
Other things wear the spark down too: stress, small kids, screens at dinner, and a habit of saving your best energy for everyone except each other. None of these mean something is wrong with you. They mean the relationship has been running on autopilot, and autopilot is fixable.
What actually keeps the spark alive in a relationship?
Two things keep the spark alive: paying attention to each other in small moments, and doing new things together. Most advice skips the first one because it sounds boring. It’s the bigger of the two.
John Gottman calls those small moments bids. A bid is “any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection.” It can be as small as “look at that bird” or a sigh after a long call. You can turn toward a bid (respond), turn away (miss it) or turn against it (snap). In Gottman’s study of newlyweds, the couples still married six years later had turned toward each other 86% of the time; the couples who divorced averaged 33% (Gottman Institute).
Novelty is the second half. Date night at the same restaurant is lovely, but it rarely feels like a spark. Something you have never done together, with a bit of challenge or silliness in it, gives you a fresh version of the early excitement and links it to each other.
Daily habits that keep the spark alive in a relationship
Start here. These take minutes, not money, and they’re where most of the spark lives.
1. Turn toward the small bids
- Daily
- 1 minute
When your partner says “Huh, look at this,” look. Put the phone face down, ask one question, react. Most bids are tiny and easy to miss, which is exactly why catching them matters so much. You don’t need to get it right every time; you need to get it right most of the time. Try tonight: count the bids your partner makes this evening and answer every one you notice, even with a smile.
2. Make hellos and goodbyes count
- Daily
- 2-20 minutes
The Gottman Institute’s “six hours a week” plan gives about two minutes to each goodbye (learn one thing happening in your partner’s day) and about twenty minutes to each reunion after work, including a real hug and a talk about the day (Gottman Institute). Rushed hellos are where a lot of couples quietly lose each other. Try tonight: when you see each other again, hug for longer than feels normal before anyone mentions dinner.
3. Ask questions you don’t know the answer to
- Daily
- 5 minutes
After a few years you stop asking because you think you know. You probably don’t: people change their opinions, worries and dreams all the time. Gottman calls this knowledge your “love map,” and updating it is one of the simplest ways to feel curious about each other again. Our deep questions to ask your partner are a good place to start. If you like a nudge, a couples app such as Unsaid sends you two questions a day and hides both answers until you’ve each replied, so you get a small surprise every evening. Try tonight: ask “What’s something you’ve changed your mind about this year?”
4. Say the specific thing you appreciate
- Daily
- 5 minutes
“Thanks” is nice. “Thank you for calling my mom back, I know you were wiped out” is better, because it proves you noticed. The same Gottman plan sets aside five minutes a day for appreciation and admiration. Specific appreciation feels like attention, and attention is what the spark runs on. Our guide on how to show appreciation in a relationship has more ways to do it. Try tonight: name one thing your partner did this week that made your life easier, and say why it mattered.
5. Flirt on purpose
- Daily
- 1 minute
Long-term couples stop flirting because it feels unnecessary. It isn’t. A wink across the kitchen, a cheeky text in the middle of the workday, a compliment about how they look rather than what they did: these remind both of you that you’re more than co-managers of a household. Keep it playful, flirty but not crude. Our conversation starters over text have a few openers if you’re rusty. Try tonight: send a text that starts with “I keep thinking about…” and finish it with something true.
6. Touch without an agenda
- Daily
- 5 minutes
If every touch is a prelude to something else, one of you may start avoiding touch altogether. Affection that goes nowhere (a hand on the back, feet together on the couch, a long kiss in the kitchen) keeps physical closeness easy and low pressure. The Gottman plan gives affection its own five minutes a day, separate from sex. Try tonight: hold hands while you watch whatever you’re watching, and leave it at that.
New experiences that bring back the spark with your partner
Daily habits keep the fire going. These are the logs you throw on.
7. Do something neither of you has done before
- Weekly
- 1-3 hours
This is the Aron finding in practice: couples who shared a novel, mildly challenging activity reported higher relationship quality afterward than couples who did something mundane (Aron et al., 2000). It doesn’t need to be skydiving. A pottery class, a new hiking trail, a cuisine neither of you can pronounce, a karaoke night where you’re both bad. Our list of date night ideas is sorted by budget. Try tonight: each write down three things you’ve never done together, swap lists, and pick one for this week.
8. Protect a weekly date
- Weekly
- 2 hours
The Gottman six-hour plan includes a two-hour date every week, just the two of you. Put it in the calendar like a meeting you can’t move. Phones away, no logistics talk, no kids talk for the first half hour. If going out is hard right now, at-home date night ideas work just as well when you treat them as a real date. Try tonight: agree on a recurring date night and put it in both your calendars before bed.
9. Play together
- Weekly
- 30 minutes
Play is novelty you can have on a Tuesday. A card game, a co-op video game, a silly challenge, a round of would you rather over dinner. Laughing together is a bid in itself, and competition (the friendly kind) adds a little of that arousal the research talks about. See our roundup of games for couples for ideas that work for two. Try tonight: play one quick game after dinner instead of starting a show.
10. Celebrate their good news like it’s yours
- Whenever it happens
- 5 minutes
How you react to good news may matter more than how you react to bad news. In a study of 79 dating couples, how partners responded when the other shared something positive was more closely tied to relationship well-being, and to whether they broke up two months later, than how they responded to bad news (Gable et al., 2006). An enthusiastic, curious response (“Wait, tell me everything, what did they say?”) beats a distracted “Nice.” Try tonight: ask “What was the best part of your day?” and follow up twice.
11. Talk about desire, and how it has changed
- Monthly
- 30 minutes
What you both wanted at 25 might not be what you want at 40, and that’s normal. Couples who keep the spark alive keep talking about it: what feels good, what you miss, what you’re curious about. Start light and keep it kind. Our intimate questions to ask your partner are a gentle way in. Try tonight: ask “What’s a memory of us that still gives you butterflies?”
How do you keep the spark alive in a long marriage?
In a long marriage, you keep the spark alive by treating the relationship as something you still choose, not something that just happens. The habits above all apply, but a few things are specific to couples who’ve been together ten, twenty or thirty years.
- Expect seasons. New babies, job changes, caring for parents and empty nests all shift how much energy you have. A quiet season isn’t a failure; it’s a season.
- Get to know the current version of your partner. The person you married has changed. Ask about their dreams now, not the ones they had at the wedding.
- Revisit your history. Retelling how you met, your worst vacation or your first apartment is a cheap, reliable way to feel like a team again.
- Have a weekly check-in. The Gottman Institute recommends a “State of the Union” meeting, an hour once a week to talk about how the relationship is going, starting with five things you appreciated that week (Gottman Institute).
- Plan something to look forward to. A trip, a class, a project. Anticipation is half the fun, and it gives you something new to talk about.
If you’re married and looking for prompts, our questions to ask your husband and questions to ask your wife are written for exactly this.
What kills the spark in a relationship?
The spark usually dies from contempt and neglect, not from a lack of romance. Gottman’s research identifies four patterns that predict relationships ending: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Contempt (eye-rolling, sarcasm, mocking) is the most corrosive, because it tells your partner you think less of them.
Each one has an antidote. Complain about a situation without attacking their character, build a habit of appreciation, take responsibility for your part, and take a break of at least twenty minutes when you’re too flooded to talk (Gottman Institute). Gottman also found that stable couples have about five positive interactions for every negative one during conflict (Gottman Institute). You can’t date-night your way out of a relationship that’s mostly criticism. If arguments are the issue, read our guide on how to improve communication in a relationship first.
Neglect is quieter. It looks like two people scrolling side by side every evening, conversations that are only logistics, and a vague feeling of living with a roommate. If that sounds familiar, our guide on how to reconnect with your partner walks through how to bring it up without blame.
When to see a couples therapist about a fading spark
See a licensed couples therapist if you’ve tried to reconnect for a few months and nothing is shifting, or if the lack of spark comes with something heavier. A therapist isn’t a last resort. Plenty of couples go to get unstuck before anything is badly wrong.
- One of you has stopped wanting to try, or talks about leaving.
- Arguments turn into contempt, name-calling or long silences.
- Physical intimacy has stopped and talking about it goes badly every time.
- There has been an affair or another breach of trust.
- One of you is dealing with depression, anxiety or burnout that is spilling into the relationship.
You can search for a licensed marriage and family therapist on the AAMFT therapist locator or the Psychology Today directory. If cost is a worry, read how much couples therapy costs and our guide to free couples therapy. This guide is general information, not therapy, and a daily ritual is not a substitute for professional help.
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal to lose the spark in a relationship?
Yes. Almost every long-term couple notices the early excitement settle down, usually once the honeymoon stage passes. Research by Arthur Aron and colleagues links part of that decline to boredom and routine. It doesn’t mean you’ve fallen out of love. It means the relationship needs some deliberate attention and some new experiences, which most couples can add without much money or time.
Can you get the spark back after it’s gone?
Often, yes, as long as both partners want to. Couples who rebuild the spark usually start small: responding to each other’s bids, asking real questions again, and doing something new together every week or two. It tends to come back gradually rather than all at once. If one of you has checked out entirely, a couples therapist can help you figure out whether and how to try.
How do you keep the spark alive in a long-distance relationship?
Use the same principles over text and video: answer each other’s small messages warmly, ask questions you don’t know the answer to, and plan new things to do together, like watching the same film or playing an online game at the same time. Having a date on the calendar for your next visit also gives you both something to look forward to.
How often should couples have date night to keep the spark alive?
The Gottman Institute suggests a two-hour date once a week as part of its six-hours-a-week plan. If weekly isn’t realistic, aim for something regular you can protect, even every other week. What matters most is that it happens consistently, that phones and logistics stay out of it, and that you try something new together every so often.
What are signs the spark is gone in a relationship?
Common signs include talking only about logistics, rarely touching outside the bedroom, not being curious about each other’s day, scrolling instead of talking in the evening, and feeling more like roommates than partners. These are signs of drift, not proof the relationship is over. Noticing them early is the easiest time to change course.
Does keeping the spark alive mean having more sex?
Not on its own. Physical intimacy is part of the spark for many couples, but it usually follows emotional closeness rather than creating it. Everyday affection without pressure, flirting, and honest conversations about what each of you wants tend to help more than scheduling sex as a fix. If desire mismatch is causing ongoing distress, a sex-positive couples therapist can help.
Keep reading
Want to keep going? Try our deep questions to ask your partner, plan something from our date night ideas, or read how to show appreciation in a relationship. Every guide on closeness lives in intimacy and connection.
More in intimacy and connection.